Keeping up with my Mind

It is said that if used properly, the Mind is a mans’ best friend (okay I know the phrase says dog but this also works). However, If used destructively it can also become our worst enemy. I would say for the last one and a half years, I have been dealing with my mind, trying to keep up with it. Battling your mind isn’t easy, especially when you want the exact opposite of what your mind wants to make you believe in.

It is obvious when you get hurt physically, other people can see it. You go to the doctor, you get some kind of treatment done and you expect those things to heal you, with the mind however it’s pretty difficult to decipher if you have been hurt if you need some treatment because let’s just say that the society and sometimes even your loved ones can dismiss some problems as normal, somethings that everyone faces and that discourages you from seeing that your mind is hurt.

Last year, forced a lot of us inside our homes and that created the time for self-reflection, I was no different, I had to face what was going inside me, and not until a very long time did I figure out that there was a wound that I had to tend to. Let’s not talk about the incident too much but let’s talk about the process. The process that I follow to become marginally better.

When my mind got hurt, it was time to try some things that I had never done, things that I hated, destructive things, apparently the mind can become your worst enemy if it’s not happy. Initially, I tried being destructive thinking that I am the conventional sad hero in the movie which made me look cool, did it make me feel better? Not even a bit. I faced anger issues, My mood swings were on a high, on some days I would be as motivated as to climb Mount Everest (Okay, maybe this is too much but you get the point) and on some days I wouldn’t even want to get out of bed, I did everything I could to prevent me from seeing that my mind was just hurt. I didn’t want to face what was inside and my loved ones had to bear the brunt, my family and my friends.

Post my destructive phase, I completely went off the grid, I went off social media, I stopped talking about my life with one of my closest friends but what got to me was the absence of hope, I felt like I am gonna fail at everything I am gonna try my hand at, I remember listening to songs like 21 guns and relating with the lyrics, no doubt it’s a beautiful song but at that point, I knew that something was missing inside me. As if I am completely helpless.

Ever heard of 5 stages of grief? After denial and anger, I used to battle the other 3, that too every day, My day started with me being miserable, in the afternoons I used to bargain with myself, and in the evenings came acceptance, weird thing was that it happened every day. The same cycle repeated so many times that it was like I was stuck in the infinite loop in which my fate dressed up as Doctor strange comes to bargain (MCU reference) with me as Dormammu (even in my own stories I couldn’t think of myself as the hero). In February 2021, the last straw happened and I fell apart like a house of cards, now I had two options, to go back to the destructive things or figure out what’s wrong. I chose the second one this time around, after a month, I went to therapy.

I have been a pessimist all of my life, if one thing goes wrong, I don’t do damage control, I probably add oxygen to the fire, when I was dealing with myself, I never knew that the pain and hurt that movies, shows, books romanticize is never nice to feel, it may not be a learning curve, it may not be something you would want to go through, day in day out but at the same time I have also learned that what is being done to us is not in our control, It never is and it starts to hurt more when we try to control what isn’t in our hands, rather our reaction to it is in our control and that is the point we mostly miss, that is why when economics assumes that humans are rational, I differ.

Whenever we do something bad, our go-to response is flight, failing to acknowledge it and seeking validation that we are not so bad. My 2 cents on it is if you think you are a bad friend, bad son/daughter, bad parent, bad at anything, the simplest thing to do at that time is to try your best to become good at what you want, it’s not easy but its the simplest thing to do and when from within we’ll feel that we have done our best, at that point we won’t need other people to validate ourselves. I was stuck in the circle of validation for far too long and from the point I realized it, I have tried to break away from it. At the risk of sounding preachy, If we do right by a person every time no matter how difficult it is, we won’t ever hurt our conscience.

I think when we fail to realize that things can get better than this at that point we lose patience and then the fire starts, post that our efforts are too little too late, for a long time I was trying to put out a fire with a bucket of water. I had a habit of staying in the past and never coming out of it, I used to blame my fate for things beyond my control, the unfairness of life got to me, Life is unfair true, but all those quotes about success are said after those people have attained it and not before so no matter how much anyone says it’s nice to fail in things be it professional or personal, it definitely stings. I have started to take myself a little less seriously now and I have made peace with the randomness of life. I don’t know how much time will it take to become better but If I am in the process I am hopeful that a day will come by.

Keeping up with my mind is difficult but not even acknowledging that I have to keep up with it, was even tougher and painful. I don’t know if life gets better from here but I do know that If I don’t even try then no one will.
Lastly, and this is my advice to you, if you do feel like there is something wrong going on inside you, try to fix it, take support from people who actually want to help you, and dismiss those who don’t care, this world has avenues and places you can go to at the end of the day. I would also like to thank a few of my closest friends and my family who supported me and continue to be there for me.

“You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace, that is already around your neck.”
-Rumi

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